Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Multiple pollution

I went out to the balcony to breathe. I wanted to clear my head from what happened today. But outside there was no air, everything was still. No sign of December yet.
I need oxygen to chase our conversation from my head and concentrate on what I'm supposed to be studying… global stiffness matrix, grids, temperature effect… I'm almost done but your words are blocking information from entering.

"Take care of yourself" that's what you said before we hung up "Don't worry I won't kill myself" I said trying to add humor; I'm too much of a coward to kill myself.

Why do remind me of what I thought I forgot. Of my mistakes, of my thought that I now regret… No, no regrets, they don't work, no regrets now they only hurt….
Why do you insist on checking all my closets for the hidden skeletons?

"I want to know about Eve exactly what Eve knows about herself". So you said. But what do I know about Eve. I started discovering her, me lately.
Is she weak or strong?
Is she smart or stupid?
Is she impulsive or wise?
Is she good or evil?
Is "what you see is what you get" or is there layers and masks and a multiple personality complex hidden underneath her "angelic" looks?
Is she…. Whom you love?
After you know what's going on in her head will you discover you made a mistake?
Will you leave her? Break her heart?

Stop surrounding me with questions, doubts, inquiries. The past for me is done, discussing it won't change it, and on the contrary it will bring more heartache, more problems… Problems, I still have 8 problems to solve, effective load vector, the joint equation of equilibrium… big words that means "Do the same thing you usually do, we're just showing off our English".

Don't you understand? You're the only breath of pure oxygen in my multiple polluted life.
Don't suffocate me, don't kill me, don't deprive me from you.

With all these thought racing I watched our elderly neighbor leaving the building to the mosque. He's in his 80s, ha can barely walk. But I see him doing the same trip 5 times a day, rarely missing it. Beside his strong faith in God, I believe that it's his faith in life and in him. It's his way to show the world that he's still alive.
"Yes I might be old, but I'm not dead. I leave my house and take a the same trip daily, I might spend twice, 3 ,4 or 5 times more than another man with a healthy leg, but I still do it"

I was so inspired by Uncle A., so I will prove to myself that I'm still alive. I will purify my life from what's polluting it. But I need you by my side, like I said you're the only breath of fresh air and with your help it will dominate my life.

Love you…

3 Comments:

Blogger Charismatic Soul said...

Eve,

take it easy hun, Dont tire your mind too much, things will come around, hopefully sooner than later :)

5:56 AM  
Blogger Eve said...

Thnx Soul, nice to hear that.
I hope so too :)

10:47 AM  
Blogger Alina said...

I second what CS said, Eve! And speak freely of your past. I know it is hard, but at least it will help make peace with it, somehow.

As for Uncle A's example, I think we should all follow it. yes, life will end one day, but why bring the end closer by not making the best of what we have?

6:00 PM  

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