Sunday, June 15, 2008

A peek into egyptian psyche

When I was younger, I devoured Naguib Mahfouz's books. How he wrote was magical to me. He painted a picture with his words, a very clear picture of Egypt in the early 20th century. I enjoyed imagining how egyptians lived, talked and behaved.

My father always raved about what a genious he was and although I ADORED his books, I never understood why dad was over excited about him.

I understood recently.

I now understand how he knew the egyptian psyche inside out. And what amazes me more is that this psyche hasn't changed in 100 years.

I realized that when I met my boyfriend's mother. She is from lebanese origins but strikes me as a typical egyptian. And no don't have the typical lebanese image in head. She looks egyptian. veiled, huge and as dad described her "smelly", she smelled ok though... I had nothing against her and like I've been taught I embrace people for who they are and how they treat me. She was nice to me and I appreciated that. So I don't really care how her odor looked like.

But then she talked to A., my boyfriend, about me. And she didnt say the nicest things. In a way she said I was not worthy to be with him and other things that were quite hurtfull. So now I have every right to call her smelly and other things I will only repeat in my head.

Her main objection was that she "doesn't know who I am" meaning she doesn't know who my family is and how much they have. The latter being the more important. I think she would be very pleased if my father were a wealthy drug dealer more than a middle class pharmacist.

Her objection would have made sense if SHE were from a well known, wealthy family. Like her husband's. But she's not. Her family is LOWER middle class. Her inlaws weren't very happy with her and they absolutely objected to the union. But the two love birds did get married inspite of everything. And now she considers herself from a "wealthy" family.
I thought she would be the most supportive but she... wasn't...

How that relates to Naguib Mahfouz? In the trilogy Ismail the oldest son marries a prostetute, Zeinab (ANNOUNCEMENT: IN NO WAY I AM SAYING THAT MY, perhaps, FUTURE MOTHER IN LAW IS A PROSTETUTE, IN NO WAY WHAT SO EVER) and after a few years when one of the family girls was getting married she said with much confidence and certainty "Be sure to check him out. The most important thing is his "origin"". Everyone in the family room was speechless, you're a prostetute for crying out loud, how can YOU talk about "origin"?

I think that Naguib Mahfouz used an extereme to show this character. And i believe that it's exactly like my bf's mother. She just "forgot" who she really is.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Yup I'm Back

Why do I always fall for the unbalanced????
I mean how hard would it be to fall for a normal guy? Someone without all the emotional kalaki3… Why can't I, for once, be in a relationship that doesn't require elaborate and complicated mind games?

I know normal is a loose concept. Who is normal? And what is normal? Who can define normal? And why would I be seeking normal? Normal is bland, tasteless, boring. And I'm an easily bored person, I'm not easily amused and what amuses me today definitely won't in two days.
So normal will never do it for me. I have had many advances from normal people that I, without thought, refused. It's a no brainer for me.

Thus I find myself in this situation today. I am with an emotionally impaired guy. And I'm whining about it. Mind you I knew all his unresolved issues from the very beginning, he warned me. Isn't it sweet? And I like the fool I am, not only accepted it, but also welcomed it. I can fix him. I will be his savior. The one he will always be grateful to. I will release him from all his unresolved issues and lingering pain. I will be his personal Mother Theresa. And also there's the issue of falling in love with him…. But that's beside the point. Let's rationalize this matter without any emotions involved.

From the beginning I told him I need care and attention. I'm spoiled and I get what I want. I wanted him, so I got him… Simple…. Now he is boldly doing what my ex did to deserve this prefix. He is ignoring me. Doesn't answer my calls, doesn't reply to my text messages. I haven't seen him in two weeks and we have officially been together for one month. That's not normal, is it? I mean the first few months are supposed to be the happiest. It's the time where we can't stand being apart from each other, can't keep our hands off each other. But the opposite is happening. I haven't seen him in two weeks, TWO fucking weeks. I call, and call, and call… I leave a dizillion missed call, and nothing, no response, no reaction. I text. I text lovey dovey messages, what-is happening-in-my-boring-day messages, proposals of outings. And what do I get? Silence… Complete and utter silence. And after a while I feel like a big nagger, pushy and sticky. Who wants to be with someone like that? So I back off. And he calls. Of course he has an explanation for every call he missed and every un-replied text. He tells me how much he misses me, and how much he wishes he could be with me everyday. And I believe him. I let it slip. I tell myself that I'm acting like a spoiled brat…..

But it happens again.

He has a demanding job, and so do I. We don't have much time to see each other. And every night after work we don't have any energy to do anything. I know that, I'm very aware of it. But I have the time and energy to at least call, to show him how much I care about him. And I know it doesn't take THAT much time or energy, that is if that person means enough to you…. And apparently I don't…

Friday, February 16, 2007

Missing Egypt

In the past few weeks I made a few new friends. One of them is an egyptian canadian who lived all his life in Canada but came to Egypt for university. I know, Egypt is not the number one in University education but my guess is his parents wanted him to live in a more "conservative" society. Yeah, right.

He is returning to Canada next year. So out of curiosity I asked:
"Sotell me what is the thing you will miss most about Egypt"
Him "Nothing"
Me "That can't be right. There has to be at least one thing you'll miss"
Him "Nope, not really"
Me "Wow you spent 5 years in a place and you won't miss anything at all?"
Him "Exactly"

This conversation got me thinking about the things I will miss in Egypt as a country without including family and friends.

1- Felouka:
I love the idea of felouka (little sail boat). Sailing in the middle of Cairo, finding a strange calmness in all the madness of the capital. Parking is a bitch, that's true. But after those 2 hours I feel like it's all worth it. I usually go with friends spending all the time taking pictures, great souvenirs. And I think it's also very romantic, I've never been on a date there but I think it's an amaizing idea.

2- Wallking in korba
Korba is an area in Heliopolis. It's supposed to be the market for the neighbourhood. I adore it. I love the feel of the place. I love the shops; the cafes, the florist, the bookshops,... simply all of it. It's architecture is a mix between islamic and european, it has a strange ancient but hip feel to it. Nothing beats it.

3- Strangers
Once my car broke in the middle of a very busy street. I had just got my licence and I had no idea what to do. An old guy got out of his car and gave me water and a truck driver opened the hood and the thing was boiling, he was risking his life I'm serious. They don't know who I am and didn't wait for a thank you, they did that because they can. How amaizing is that?

I'm sure there is more I'll miss but these are my top 3.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way
So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing
Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me
I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way
Meredith Brooks - Bitch

Wednesday, October 18, 2006


What is the matter with me?
Is it a new perfume or somethig?
I got a marriage proposal today. I turned him down, but it was hard. I like the guy, friendship like. His sister is my friend and I hate things when they get awkward.

The funny thing is I thought for about a milli second about saying yes. He's a good guy in a very good job, good family and all the reasonable things that lead to a yes. But, hello, not ready for a relationship is a key word here.

And, and he didn't say " I like you can we date?" he actually said "Let's do wedding invitations together" you should have seen my face expressions, priceless.

I'm amused, flattered and disturbed at the same time.

Me, married. Can you imagine? I can't

Monday, October 16, 2006

I've been writing this blog for over a year. I started it to have a free space to simply be me. It hasn't helped. There were so many thoughts I didn't include, opinions I didn't share and views I didn't express. Why? Maybe because I was afraid of being judged based upon them. I rathered be the cute little girl in cyber space as well instead of really being who I am.

So lately writing became a form of acting. I'm a very good actress in real life. But after a while I felt that the blog became a burden like my everyday life where I stopped being me. In a way the blog lost it's main function.

Then this summer came and brought with it all the highs and lowa I could ever imagine. I broke up with my boyfriend, said goodbye to my best friend for God knows how long, I was about to start the last year of my university where I have to make so many life changing decisions. But, I also worked and discovered where I want my career to head, I saw my best friend get married and it was the most amazing night of my life. I was spoiled rotten by my aunt for three weeks where I shopped till I dropped. I met the cutest guy who just didn't stop flirting with me. I discovered a close friend in a guy I considered an acquaintance. I felt loved and admired. I was sexy, not just cute. Three guys wanted to go out with me, I turned them all down because I'm not ready for another relationship now. Did I grow up this summer? No, I just let me be me...

I still have so much to discover and so much to know. Not everything about me will please everybody, but I simply don't care anymore.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

20 random things about me

1- I'm not a phone friendly person. I don't call my friends on the phone... don't know why
2-I have to listen to music while studying. If I don't, I can't concentrate.
3-I like to go out with my mom. Have a late brunch or watch a movie.
4-I thought that being an engineer is what I'm gonna be after I graduate, now I'm not sure.
5-I'm very spoiled by every member of my family
6- I'm can be very lazy .
7- I always make the same mistake twice before learning.
8- My hairdresser is one of the most important persons in my life. Seriously.
9-I'm a great actress in real life, but freeze in front of any camera.
10-My first crush was Prince Eric from the little mermaid. Until now I hope I can find a man like him.
11- If I put my mind to it I can finish any book in 2 days.
12- I love going out with my mom. Go watch a movie or have a bite, she's a fun person to hang around with.
13-I love buying clothes, but I hate the process of looking for them.
14- The worst movie I've ever seen was "Birth" by Nicole Kidman.
15- My greatest fear is to become a bad mom.
16- If I had a good career and had to choose between it and marriage. I would choose career a thousand time.
17- In my opinion the worst kind of men are the mamma's boys.
18- I love attention.
19- I'm a bit crazy and enjoy it immensely
20- I pride myself in having a "joie de vivre".


  • I'm still single and not looking. I'm very comfortable with my current situation. A few days ago I went with my best friend to finish shopping before her wedding, then returned to her home where we just sat, chatted and watched TV. I had such a good time, I returned home around 1:00 am. I couldn't have done that with my boyfriend around. I'm a bit lonely, but I rather be alone and lonely than in a relationship and lonely.
  • My aunt has been diagnosed with dementia. The doctor says it can be treated with medications thank God. She's been in a fast decline for some time. But no one would do anything until they see it for themselves. After a couple of incidents with my cousin and uncle, they discovered it's serious and took her for tests. I hope everything goes alright.
  • My best friend's wedding is in 19 days and I still don't have a dress. I'm so stressed out, not just because of the dress. It's mainly because she's leaving after the wedding to Canada. My final year in University is almost here and I have to give a serious thought about my future. And I'm running out of friends. Everything sucks.

That's it.